Category Archives: Body Love & Acceptance

Fill up on love, cause life isn’t like a Doritos commercials y’all- Happiness Project/Personal Commandments

When food is more than just food….
Not that my relationship with food is 100% golden now, but it is 1000 times better than it was when I was younger.
I really didn’t know how to eat till I was full or what real hunger was back then.
I just knew that I had to eat everything on my plate at dinner and that when there was a bag of chips in the kitchen, I’d eat them till they were gone.
Same with the Oreos, the Pop-Tarts, and the left over Chinese food, that kind of smelt funny but didn’t have anything growing off of it yet… so… it was still good…right?
Hell, I even ate raw noodles. Often…Yeahhhh.
I would eat anything I could get my hands on. Anything to keep me from feeling empty.

Food was my friend when I was needed someone to hang out with.
Food was my boyfriend when I needed someone to tell me I was pretty.
Food was my fairy godmother when I needed encouragement.
Food didn’t ask stupid questions. Food didn’t judge me or get mad. Food didn’t hit or yell.
Food didn’t stand me up or forget to call. Food didn’t pick on me or call me names.
Nope…Food was love.

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Happiness Project- August set up- Slow Down & Chill OUT.

Am I the only one who feels like July was just one big stressful hangover? Probably…. July normally is one big stressful hangover for me. By the end of July, I am normally so done with the heat, “family time”, FOOD, and just…everything, that I could literally die.

I don’t deal with stress well. Period. This really bugs me, and I want to work on this… Which is why my “theme” for my Happiness Project in August is going to be
“Slow Down & Chill Out”
Corny…I know…but I don’t care. After the long, Joe gone, mother in law here, 95 degrees every day month of July, I need to cool the eff down.

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Skinny = Beautiful and Diets = Happiness. Old Diet Beliefs #3

I spent a long time believing that I could only be beautiful if I was skinny. Skinny was beautiful and beautiful girls were skinny. Period. I never had anyone telling me to embrace my curves or to love my body. I never even really had anyone to show me what loving themselves and/or their bodies really looked like.tumblr_o0gagdRLTT1rpu8e5o1_500

Growing up I was told how embarrassing and shameful it was to be a size 14, before the age of 14. Being told things like “I was this fat when I got married, and you’re not even out of high school yet” was not only a reminder of just how “awful” I was at that time, but also a way of telling me that I was destined to become even more awful. I was under the impression that no one would love me or support me if I stayed as fat, dirty, and flat out unlovable as I was.

Looking back now, I see that I also surrounded myself with a lot of women that were filled with more guilt and fear than acceptance and love.
Ladies that almost seemed to get off on giving you a big of candy for Valentine’s day, just to throw in a “now, don’t go eating it all in one sitting like I know you can”. Or my favorite, “I just know that you’d be happier if you lost some weight” Blah blah blah… Continue reading

Burning My Old Nasty Baggage.

flowerbunchBetween everything that’s been going on with the move and Joe being in and out of Texas for work, it has been a hectic but fun summer. This has resulted in my Happiness Project not getting much online spotlight, which has been kind of bitter sweet. I love writing and want to be a consistent blogger, but its been nice taking a break from social media so I could actually live and enjoy my “project” while all these big changes are going on. I needed to just roll with it for awhile and focus on being present with Joe, instead of trying to keep up with everything AND documenting it for the world to see…
But don’t worry, as soon as the WI-FI is hooked up next Thursday, I do plan on putting my writing boots back on and getting back to kicking all the blogging ass I had planned on kickin’. Yay for everyone 😉

But honestly, it has been an awesome summer so far. If I’m not painting something, then you can probably find me shamelessly binge watching Grey’s Anatomy (yeah y’all, I’ve finished all 12 seasons since my last post…I don’t know if I should be proud or embarrassed, so I’m going with “accomplished”) or of course, the new OITNB.
Sure there were those handful of moments where I was seriously considering hiring a hitman to take out a few folks… But from what I gathered online, it would have been cheaper to just drug and drag Joe to Vermont, where we could make jam and start our lives completely over, than it would have been to hire a hitman…Especially for the amount of people that were on my list **have you figured out that I have also become totally obsessed with Shonda Rhimes over the past few months as well? Well…I have. So be ready for lots of Shonda/all the Shonda things references… Cheers to you Ms. Rhimes! LEAN IN MY FRIENDS! LEAN IN! ** Continue reading

Dr. House was right.

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I don’t have lupus. For now at least, and that’s good enough for me. After almost three years of crazy symptoms and four different doctors, I finally have some solid answers.
I have Fibromyalgia and Raynaud’s.

Greeeeeeaaaaat.
I don’t have the time or the energy to get into all the symptoms and problems that I’ve been dealing with, but basically fibromyalgia is “chronic widespread pain” and Raynaud’s (which I’ve known about for awhile now) means my hands and feet randomly go numb and quit on me.
I don’t have the time or the energy to start thinking about the changes that I’m going to have to make because of this, but basically fibromyalgia is going to cause me more than just physical pain. Oh with Raynaud’s I get to rock my fingerless leopard print gloves all year round…real stylin’…

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Check me out…rocking the fingerless gloves, and sleeveless plaid shirt…
 We gotta hardass over here y’all.
So instead I’m going to talk about all the things that I’ve done this week that have made me happy…Yay happy.

1- We finished painting! I LOVE the colors, especially the kitchen. I’ll post pictures soon.
2- We started laying the floors. We didn’t make our deadline for having them done by today, so for now our new appliances are wrapped up and hanging out in the shed.
3- I started watching Grey’s Anatomy….ha.
4- I went shopping and finally got some summer clothes that I like.
5- I painted the top of my craft desk. I decided to go with the same “fiesta pink” that I used on the dresser to save $ and to keep things in my room little less crazy… I love the wall color I picked out, and I’m glad I went with the brighter yellow rather than the pale one…but I don’t want it to look like Rainbow Brite threw up all over my office/dressing room either. Yikes.
6- I found a bunch of my old mix CDs. This has been amazing. I forgot how much I love Bloodhound Gang and it was nice to reunite.
7- I ordered myself an amazing birthday cake. Cuz a planners gotta plan 😉
8- Joe and I have a fun date night planned for tomorrow, kind of a late anniversary gift since we didn’t get to really celebrate last Thursday… Last week we were covered in paint and sweat, and then one of his friends came over for a little while…yeah…not exactly romantic.
9- I haven’t chewed on my nails all week. Winning.
10- I found this picture and realized that two years ago today, we brought Burger home <3

FB_IMG_1463149432417Look at my little baby <3 And how little Joe’s beard was! This was taken on the 1st night we brought her home, and she’s been attached to Joe since.

So yeah…I have some big changes coming up, and got some crappy news yesterday, which I found out was also National Fibromyalgia Day…ha.. But I have a two really really adorable reasons to be happy and healthy everyday, and they’re enough to keep me in check. So today I’m going to go finish the layout for my “Butterscotch Yellow” room and go rock my Redneck/ “Butt Rock” outfit. I’m going to go enjoy my date night with the dude who loves me tomorrow night. I’m going to wear a pretty dress and drink wine and not worry about my belly or carbs.
I’m going to love and be loved, and do the rest of it the best I can….
And watch the remaining 8 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy while I’m at it 😉

 

Funky Dresser Part 2

Let it be known. Modge Podge is the shit.
It’s easy, reasonably affordable and easy to find…ha…I feel like I’m trying to push prescription drugs or something…sorry…What I mean is Wal-Mart sells it.  This isn’t one of those crazy craft items only sold at crazy craft stores or online. Since I live in a small town, this is a huge plus.

So if you haven’t had a chance to play with it yet, or are like me and have 2 bottles of it but haven’t used it in forever because you’ve been “too busy to play”… go play.
Trust me, you have time.  OK now that I got my preaching out of the way…

The Funky Dresser!

I’m still a little torn on what I want to do with the top…
At 5 A.M. when I was working on it, the idea of covering it with “crazy funky stuff” sounded like a good idea. But now…eh.
Now the idea of a wide open CLEAN space sounds nice. Especially after having it cleared off and clutter free for the last week. I’ve really enjoyed the feeling of having just an empty and  “not busy looking” (does that make sense to anyone else?) space that it’s given me. top

So, I’m thinking that for now the wayyyyyy too scratched to listen to but can’t throw away because “it saved my life” KImya Dawson CD and my wedding garter will be the only things on top.

I have to say that the sides are probably my favorite.

I have no idea where this  flower fabric came from…
t magically appeared one day, I’m pretty sure either during or right after our wedding, and I’ve been in love with it ever since. I don’t have a lot of it and have been wanting to save it for something special. I was a little hesitant to cut it up and use a chunk on here, knowing that once I did something with a little bit of it, I’d end up needing all of it for something else.
But I reminded myself that
1- its fabric, it’s meant to be cut up and used
2- its fabric, it will look a lot cuter actually on something now, than folded up in a box waiting for the perfect project .
3-  this is the perfect project.
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What I DO wish I would of waited on is the paint color I chose for this side.
Oh my…
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I haven’t put a second coat on this side yet because I’m still not sure I like it. When I picked this color out of my paint box, and as it was going on, I really liked it. Now after looking at it through not sleep deprived eyes, I’m a little “oh my…” about it.

Part of me thinks, ohh just go ahead and put on the second coat and it’ll look better.  The other part of me is like, what in the hell was I thinking when I grabbed yellow in the 1st place? So.. this side might still change… Not too sure yet…
But! I still love the flowers, and am glad I finally put it to use.

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On the other side I used an old t-shirt from Old Navy that I love, but has never fit right. And by that I mean, yes! It makes my boobs look awesome, but its also white, clingy, and too short.
HA- oh my God, that sounds almost just like how one of my ex’s  described me…niceeee.

Anyways…I’ve tried to throw it away but I always end up pulling it back out, telling myself to keep it for a junk shirt to wear to the river or something. No more waiting. So instead of waiting for the never gonna happen day of me wearing it around the house to clean in, I did this.
Ta-da! The “border” is from an apron that I never wear and the lace that I used on in the front on both sides is another one of those “I have no idea where this came from” items that I’ve had for forever but never use. LIke I said in the 1st post, this was a pretty spur of the moment kind of project, and I had to make what I had on hand work.

So far I’m pleased. I have some spots I need to touch up on with the paint, and obviously need to figure out what I’m doing for sure with the top and yellow…but, more importantly, I need to get my clothes out of the laundry baskets and back into their home. So for now- mostly done is better than perfect.

Like most projects this was a “learn as I go” type deal. I will post tips and what I wish I would of done next week. Hopefully by then I’ll have made up my mind about what I’m doing with the yellow and the top.

But! I will say this…
and I you thought I was done preaching….ha!
Don’t overthink it. Just get started and go with what you feel.
And that’s coming from Ms. OCD herself 😉

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Lessons learned while stuck in the perfectionism trap and rediscovering The Happiness Project.

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I hate wasting  time… I felt like I wasted away most of March and April while I fought my way out of yet another perfectionism traps, but when I look back on it I actually did a lot.

I did really to let this one person take away and control a great deal of my happiness. I did continue to let this one person and their insecurities rub off on me. I did continue to have crappy doubtful thoughts like Oh my God, if she thinks she’s that fat and gross, she must think I’m a freaking whale. I really should lose some more weight, especially before I try to push this diet free mess. AND DEFIENTLY before I let her know about the blog… I did try to turn intuitive eating into “another diet” there for a while. I did get really disappointed and let down. I did make the mistake of packing up my craft box way too soon. I did quit taking time out for myself. “I’ll start (insert important habit/skill/task/simple little thing that I want or will make me happy here) when we are in the new house” has become my new go to line of B.S.
Its been rough…but together all these crappy moves helped me see a few things that I’ve really needed to get worked out. Key points being
What I’ve doing and how I’ve been doing it, is not how I’m meant to function. I need structure and guidelines or I get lost in the cluster fluff.
I’ve let perfect be the enemy of good.

I am not as happy as I could be right now.

I’ve mentioned that I had a LOT of rules and habits while dieting, and how hardly any of them were “good.” These rules controlled everything. When I decided to give up dieting, I threw out any “rule” or “habit” that made me feel even slightly restricted. Everything was a free for all.  One of the 1st goals I mentioned on here was for me to make my own rules and do my own thing. Funny how I haven’t gotten to that yet… Oh yeah, I didn’t get around to it, because I started to think that it would be stupid to make rules. I was supposed to “break all the rules” and say “fuck it” like all the cute bloggers that I love, duh! But I’m not them.

Kind of like when I started to get some recognition on here from other bloggers and coaches…I was so excited, but only for about two days. Then I started to worry that I’d have to prove myself or something. That I’d have to do ABC in order to be XYZ. This wild thought got me stuck on thinking that now I have to be more like 123, and all that has done is keep me from moving forward with A.S.H.L.E.Y. Oh the places I will keep myself from going…
So instead of deep_thoughts_by_blue_avenger-d49hrdmjust sticking with my goal of “be a blogger” and doing my own thing, I HAD to be like all the “anti-dieting” bloggers. Each post HAD to be amazing and life changing. I needed each one to better than the last.
I needed each one to be a little bit deeper, smarter, funnier…
better, better, better.
And since I haven’t been able to do all that “perfectly” I just haven’t posted at all.

I’ve been waiting till after the move to start anymore big craft projects, to fully unpack my cute summer clothes, to wake up early again, to worry with cleaning up, setting up my punching bag, blah blah blah. And I’m just like, of course you are Ashley. You’re always waiting. “I’ll start (insert important ‘habit/skill/task/simple little thing that I want or will make me happy’ here) when we are in the new houseis not working for me anymore. I can’t keep waiting to live. I know that moving is all about waiting, but I’ve really been slacking… The mental blocks I’ve been setting up are ridiculous.

Enough is enough.

All of this boils back down to my final finding that, I’m not as happy as I could be. I know that sounds a little snobby and lame, but whatever. I don’t mean that I’m miserable or totally ungrateful for what I have. I’m actually saying the exact opposite. I’m really really happy, too blessed to be stressed and all that…But it breaks my heart that I’m still having such a hard time “embracing life” (yeah…I just went there) and accepting myself.

 I’m starting to see that food really isn’t my big issue right now.
I think that I’m still really bad about just always assuming that food is the enemy and tend to make it more of an issue than it really is. Like…
I didn’t sleep well- must of been the stuffed peppers he made.
I don’t feel well- must of been because I ate so much today.
I can’t find my shoes and my dog won’t stop barking at the wind- must of been some gluten or something in the salad dressing at the restaurant last night. That jackass of a waiter!
I TOLD HIM DRESSING ON THE SIDE!
The sad thing is I’m not kidding…
Am I perfect around food? No. Do I have it all figured out? No. But I’m finding that for ME, I feel more recovered and removed from my eating issues by not talking, thinking, or hearing about donuts at all, rather than all day. This gives me more time to focus on the important things like improving my body image and health or what color I want to paint the bathroom.
I do plan on still working through my “food issues” and am not going to jump back on any kind of diet again, I know that wont work, but I am going to make a hug effort to figure out a better plan for ME. For now the 1st step in that plan is to take a big step back from the anti-diet groups and gurus and see how it goes.

images2PMYUIKHMy thinking is my problem. Always has been. Not to make excuses, but I am an obsessive compulsive, attention-deficit/hyperactive, over sensitive, super worrier, after all… I need to be working towards creating “rules” and habits that are not only easy(ish) to keep up with, but entertaining or challenging enough to keep me interested so I don’t get bored. I need to find ways to treat myself and relax that are healthy but don’t break the bank. I want to get closer to people and explore new things with as little anxiety but as much joy as possible.

Sounds pretty far fetched right? Turns out my friends, it’s really not.
All thanks to the lovely Gretchen Rubin and The Happiness Project.

Hear me out y’all… Letting Boe Rae Shine is my Happiness Project. When I started this, I hadn’t read any of Gretchen’s books yet, only a few of her blog posts. But I knew enough about her and the purpose of her “projects” to know that I was a supporter. It wasn’t until last week that I was able to listen to all three of her books, and I really wish I would have taken the time to do so sooner. I’m not going to try to explain it much more right now… But please check her out and/or keep up with me 😉 You can go to her blog and find all kinds of downloads to help you get your own Happiness Project started too.
I’m really excited about this. I even bought the journal ha. I’m a total sucker for journals.20160420_100430
I think by adopting and tweaking a few of the outlines and ideas from Gretchen’s project, I’ll be able to better mine. I’m confident that this will help me get further away from my old obsessive/worrying/diet/ Mean Girl thinking and habits.

The two and probably most important 1st steps I’m going to be doing for this project will be to Identify 4 Resolutions to Tackle & Create 12 Personal Commandments.
These are Gretchen’s Commandments to give you an idea.
1. Be Gretchen. 2. Let it go. 3. Act the way I want to feel. 4. Do it now. 5. Be polite and be fair. 6. Enjoy the process. 7. Spend out. 8. Identify the problem. 9. Lighten up. 10. Do what ought to be done. 11. No calculation. 12. There is only love.

This is just one of the few changes that I plan on making around here….
I’ll post my lists as soon as I get them lined out, and part 2 of the funky dresser will be out by Wednesday :]

Until then don’t forget to go check out Gretchen’s blog and check out her tips on happiness and habit. If you have already started or decide to start a Happiness Project of your own, let me know! I’d love to start a group or at least hear more ideas.
Don’t forget to subscribe or add me on Facebook so we can keep in touch :]

 

Disappointment is never appetizing

I’m pretty sure this is the 13th time I’ve tried to write this, and it’s still not working out for me. I’ve tried to write about other stuff and skip this all together with no luck. I can’t get into my groove and keep getting pulled back and stuck on this. Whatever “this” is.

I think the main reason why it’s been so hard to write about what’s going on, is because so much of it is has all been up in the air or unclear. Making it to where, even if I did spill the beans and tell all, there would be so many “buts” and “ifs” or “maybes” that it seemed pointless to even start getting into any of it before I know at least a little bit of 100% for sure information. I’m getting pretty close to that point with some of the situations, and obviously my brain isn’t going to focus on anything else until I get some of this straightened out, so bear with me while I dance around some stuff and do my best to explain….

Basically, this month has been one setback after another. They started off kind of small but have managed to grow and have quickly piled into a huge mess. At 1st, I was just kind of aggravated about it. I like to think I dealt with the aggravation surprisingly well…I made sure to think before I spoke and I threw rocks at the river instead of my fist at the wall or anyone’s face. The few times when none of that was enough I whined and wined with Kaysi, and got through it. When the good news quit but the setbacks and stress kept coming, I started to get sad about it. Again, I think I handled the sad part pretty well. I listened to some Adele, went on longer walks during lunch, hugged Joe a little tighter, and before I knew it I was pretty much over it.

Then I got sick, and then sicker. And then I wasn’t sure what I was. I wasn’t exactly mad or sad anymore, which was good but inconvenient because at least I know how to deal with those guys. For me being mad or sad normally means I need to release some of my feelings and I’m good. I can go yell in my car or cry while I watch old Wonder Years episodes, and I’m set. This was different. I wasn’t just stressed or overwhelmed, and no I’m not pregnant. I was just “blah.” After a while, I started to realize and remember that this lovely feeling was disappointment.
And good grief do I hate dealing with disappointment.flowerbunch2

 Disappointment leaves me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I feel like I need to replace that feeling with something. I feel like I need to fill myself up with something else to get away from it. I can’t talk this one out and call it good, I have to refill it with something better. I felt like I went to my favorite restaurant and ordered lobster, but got a plate of half cooked fish sticks instead. Part of me knows I should be happy to have a plate of half cooked anything, but the other part of me really hates fish sticks. Plus, I’ve been so full of rich and happy goodness lately,that I almost forgot how awful disappointment makes you feel. I wasn’t prepared to handle the unsatisfying aftertaste that “instead” leaves.

I also wasn’t prepared to handle this much disappointment and stress without food or my old diet rules/habits. If I’m being really honest, I have to admit that I thought that I had made some sort of agreement with God, or the Universe, or whoever, and I wouldn’t have to. Things were going to be different, things had been different. I had changed my thoughts so my world was supposed to change too, right? Isn’t that what the Laws of Attraction are all about? Have I not been manifesting the right amount of awesomeness, or ommm-ing the right way when I meditate? What happened here dude?

See I thought that the agreement was, once I started to really “get over myself and start to properly handle my shit” that all new and future disappointment was going to be put on hold for a LONG time…you know, to give me time to catch up and work through the old stuff. Because that’s why it’s taken me so long to deal with it to begin with, right? That’s what I’ve been telling myself at least. That I never had time to grieve over old bullshit, because I kept on getting handed new bullshit to deal with. That I couldn’t possibly work through my problems with my hands this full.

I thought the agreement was, once I gave up dieting I would feel fantastic physically and mentally. I would wake up and be a totally different and better person. I thought we were talking different and better like 2007 Britney Spears compared to 2011 Britney Spears.
I was gonna make a comeback, y’all.
I thought once I started this blog I’d never even want to binge or purge again. Yup! Just like that, I’d never crave fried burritos with mustard at 3 AM or choke up my lunch again. And of course, no more B&P meant that all the weird and crazy health issues that I have been dealing with/ignoring for the last three years would also go away. Just like that. But they haven’t. If anything, now that I’m not getting hammered drunk all the time, or constantly numbing myself with a block of cheddar and an audiobook, the crazy symptoms are even harder to ignore. And that’s not only really really reallllllllllly disappointing, it’s scary and heartbreaking.

I thought once Joe and I started to get serious about our future plans and started to do the work, everything was going to happen right away. Once we did this and that, then it was all gravy baby. I didn’t plan on all these pit stops and road bumps slowing us down so much. I thought everyone would get on board, or at least shut up and get out of the way while we took off. I thought it would all be done more on our time schedule, not everyone else’s. I didn’t plan on all of this, “hurry up and wait” mess. Not that patience has ever been my strong suit, but some of this has just been ridiculous.

Last Wednesday was supposed to be a huge day for us. Instead, our meeting got postponed AGAIN and instead I ended up at a surprise doctor visit to go over “stuff.” Yay. We were told that at our 3rd rescheduled meeting, which was this Monday at 11:00, everything would be done and official. Of course, that didn’t happen either. Just more issues from everyone else and more disappointment for us.

Between the stress, steroids, others meds I’ve had to take, and the flat out disappointment of everything, I haven’t taken very good care of myself this month. I haven’t been listening to what my body really needs or wants. I’ve caught myself slipping back into old diet habits and my inner Mean Girl has been hanging around more, keeping me up late with her loud and rude chatter. I had my 1st binge in MONTHS (damn you girl scout cookies), I’ve hardly slept, I’ve had too much wine and not enough water, I’ve been crying and panicking over everything, and I don’t remember the last time I folded clothes. I’ve been “living in my head” and worrying too much. Then instead of being kind to myself and doing something positive, I just get upset and panic. I start to over think all the things I’ve been doing wrong, which of course does nothing but make me even more disappointed with myself.

I just couldn’t win.
It was when I was feeling sorry for myself and eating those damn stale girl scout cookies that I remembered food wont make this better, only acceptance will.

BECAUSE DISAPPOINTMENT IS NEVER APPETIZING.
You can’t drench it ranch dressing or add more cheese and magically make it better like you can with cold fries. Which really only works when you’re drunk or broke.
It never sounds good, goes down easy, sits well, or looks pretty. There is no amount of prepping or coaching that can really prepare you for large doses of it and there is no getting away from it. Sure, we all know this, but it’s easy to forget when things are going well.
It’s really easy to forget that life has ups AND downs.
AND It’s really really easy to start to get a little butt hurt & think “wait, I thought I was doing all the right things now? This isn’t how it was supposed to go!” when you step back and realize how hard you’ve worked to make so many positive changes, and yet somehow, negative crap is still leaking in.

Disappointment is just part of life, and it’s almost always a side effect of expectation. We like to think we have some say or control in how things work out, but in all honesty, it’s all just a crapshoot. I’ve expected so much out of myself and life lately. Sure I’ve accepted and “made peace with” with a lot of stuff too…but when I started to see how hard this month hit me, I realized that I hadn’t accepted as much as I thought. I realized I had accepted parts of myself and life when the conditions were good. But once those conditions changed….yikes…
I realized there is still a lot of growing and learning to be done.

I needed to be reminded that we don’t get to make bargains with God and no one is going to get out of here alive. We just have to play the hand we’re dealt the best we can and have faith that it all works out. I needed to be reminded that as long as I can remember to keep on forgiving instead of staying disappointed, then I’m winning enough. Because I’m not broken. And as much as I hate this saying, we’re all dying , so why worry about that while I’m living? I’m not going to let a few bad things ruin so many awesome ones.

I hope that if you’re ever feeling disappointed, you’ll remember that life is all about how we handle plan B. And if plan B doesn’t work, call me and we’ll come up with plans C-Z together.

 

Labels are for jars, not my blog.

By the time you read this, the situation will of changed, but as of right now, I still haven’t gone “public” with my blog. Only a handful of folks know about it since my plan has been to keep it as quiet as possible while I write a few posts and build the actual the page. I want to know my way around WordPress, have plenty of posts posted, and a few backup ideas saved for later before I throw myself out there. Call that obsessive or whatever, but that’s how I roll. I hate half-assing things. I need to be a little bit ahead of the game so I have less of a chance of getting overwhelmed once I’m up and running. Once everyone knows.

It’s not that I’m embarrassed. I’m actually really proud of myself. I’m just scared. Really really scared. I didn’t realize how scared I was about putting myself out there until I had to spill the beans a little, and try to explain my writing the other day. I’m not used to being this vulnerable and open, and it really didn’t help that I don’t know these ladies very well… but I was still upset with myself for getting so flustered and freezing up so bad. I should have been prepared for the question, “what are you blogging about?” but I totally bombed it.

There’s nothing I can do about it now other than be ready next time. The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s actually a really hard question to answer, and I really have no idea how to give a short or simple answer. Which is something I’ve never been good at. Ask my poor friend Kaysi about all of the texts where “on my way” would have been all she needed to know, but I end up sending her these long, novel-like responses that normally end up so off topic, it’s a miracle she even texts me anymore. I promise I’m working on that, Kaysi! Luckily she’s awesome, so I’ll worry with that later. For now, this is the not so short or simple rant I’ve come up with for what Letting Boe Rae Shine is about.

I’m blogging about loving your unfiltered life.

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Instagram insecurities

 I love to-do lists. Actually, I NEED to-do lists. I love the feeling you get when you get to scratch through chores, instead of just adding them to the list. So when “clean up Instagram account” was the next item I had to tackle, I figured it would be the easiest part of my day. I almost didn’t even write it down because it seemed like such a simple task. but knew I’d forget about it if it didn’t make its way to paper. Again, I really need to-do lists…

It took me all of 16 seconds of being logged on and looking at all of the gorgeous bloggers and their perfect Instagram accounts for me to start to freak.

I don’t look anything like these girls!

How in the hell am I going to compete with this?

Cue the Arrested Development music, because I have made a huge mistake…

 Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve been living in a hole or anything. I’m fully aware that pretty much everyone on the Internet is insanely hot. I also know that doesn’t instantly make me ugly, but I had definitely forgotten how much I REALLY don’t look like that.

I’m not a size 2 yogi or a “curvy in all the right places” size 18. Right now I’m mostly a size 8, but that’s not important. My point is, I’m not skinny or plus size, but with the way my body carries my weight, I don’t exactly look average or normal either. Looking at all these perfect people, it didn’t take long for me to start thinking the same old “Mean Girl”  thoughts and snap into a full blown panic attack. Continue reading