I’m pretty sure this is the 13th time I’ve tried to write this, and it’s still not working out for me. I’ve tried to write about other stuff and skip this all together with no luck. I can’t get into my groove and keep getting pulled back and stuck on this. Whatever “this” is.
I think the main reason why it’s been so hard to write about what’s going on, is because so much of it is has all been up in the air or unclear. Making it to where, even if I did spill the beans and tell all, there would be so many “buts” and “ifs” or “maybes” that it seemed pointless to even start getting into any of it before I know at least a little bit of 100% for sure information. I’m getting pretty close to that point with some of the situations, and obviously my brain isn’t going to focus on anything else until I get some of this straightened out, so bear with me while I dance around some stuff and do my best to explain….
Basically, this month has been one setback after another. They started off kind of small but have managed to grow and have quickly piled into a huge mess. At 1st, I was just kind of aggravated about it. I like to think I dealt with the aggravation surprisingly well…I made sure to think before I spoke and I threw rocks at the river instead of my fist at the wall or anyone’s face. The few times when none of that was enough I whined and wined with Kaysi, and got through it. When the good news quit but the setbacks and stress kept coming, I started to get sad about it. Again, I think I handled the sad part pretty well. I listened to some Adele, went on longer walks during lunch, hugged Joe a little tighter, and before I knew it I was pretty much over it.
Then I got sick, and then sicker. And then I wasn’t sure what I was. I wasn’t exactly mad or sad anymore, which was good but inconvenient because at least I know how to deal with those guys. For me being mad or sad normally means I need to release some of my feelings and I’m good. I can go yell in my car or cry while I watch old Wonder Years episodes, and I’m set. This was different. I wasn’t just stressed or overwhelmed, and no I’m not pregnant. I was just “blah.” After a while, I started to realize and remember that this lovely feeling was disappointment.
And good grief do I hate dealing with disappointment.
Disappointment leaves me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I feel like I need to replace that feeling with something. I feel like I need to fill myself up with something else to get away from it. I can’t talk this one out and call it good, I have to refill it with something better. I felt like I went to my favorite restaurant and ordered lobster, but got a plate of half cooked fish sticks instead. Part of me knows I should be happy to have a plate of half cooked anything, but the other part of me really hates fish sticks. Plus, I’ve been so full of rich and happy goodness lately,that I almost forgot how awful disappointment makes you feel. I wasn’t prepared to handle the unsatisfying aftertaste that “instead” leaves.
I also wasn’t prepared to handle this much disappointment and stress without food or my old diet rules/habits. If I’m being really honest, I have to admit that I thought that I had made some sort of agreement with God, or the Universe, or whoever, and I wouldn’t have to. Things were going to be different, things had been different. I had changed my thoughts so my world was supposed to change too, right? Isn’t that what the Laws of Attraction are all about? Have I not been manifesting the right amount of awesomeness, or ommm-ing the right way when I meditate? What happened here dude?
See I thought that the agreement was, once I started to really “get over myself and start to properly handle my shit” that all new and future disappointment was going to be put on hold for a LONG time…you know, to give me time to catch up and work through the old stuff. Because that’s why it’s taken me so long to deal with it to begin with, right? That’s what I’ve been telling myself at least. That I never had time to grieve over old bullshit, because I kept on getting handed new bullshit to deal with. That I couldn’t possibly work through my problems with my hands this full.
I thought the agreement was, once I gave up dieting I would feel fantastic physically and mentally. I would wake up and be a totally different and better person. I thought we were talking different and better like 2007 Britney Spears compared to 2011 Britney Spears.
I was gonna make a comeback, y’all.
I thought once I started this blog I’d never even want to binge or purge again. Yup! Just like that, I’d never crave fried burritos with mustard at 3 AM or choke up my lunch again. And of course, no more B&P meant that all the weird and crazy health issues that I have been dealing with/ignoring for the last three years would also go away. Just like that. But they haven’t. If anything, now that I’m not getting hammered drunk all the time, or constantly numbing myself with a block of cheddar and an audiobook, the crazy symptoms are even harder to ignore. And that’s not only really really reallllllllllly disappointing, it’s scary and heartbreaking.
I thought once Joe and I started to get serious about our future plans and started to do the work, everything was going to happen right away. Once we did this and that, then it was all gravy baby. I didn’t plan on all these pit stops and road bumps slowing us down so much. I thought everyone would get on board, or at least shut up and get out of the way while we took off. I thought it would all be done more on our time schedule, not everyone else’s. I didn’t plan on all of this, “hurry up and wait” mess. Not that patience has ever been my strong suit, but some of this has just been ridiculous.
Last Wednesday was supposed to be a huge day for us. Instead, our meeting got postponed AGAIN and instead I ended up at a surprise doctor visit to go over “stuff.” Yay. We were told that at our 3rd rescheduled meeting, which was this Monday at 11:00, everything would be done and official. Of course, that didn’t happen either. Just more issues from everyone else and more disappointment for us.
Between the stress, steroids, others meds I’ve had to take, and the flat out disappointment of everything, I haven’t taken very good care of myself this month. I haven’t been listening to what my body really needs or wants. I’ve caught myself slipping back into old diet habits and my inner Mean Girl has been hanging around more, keeping me up late with her loud and rude chatter. I had my 1st binge in MONTHS (damn you girl scout cookies), I’ve hardly slept, I’ve had too much wine and not enough water, I’ve been crying and panicking over everything, and I don’t remember the last time I folded clothes. I’ve been “living in my head” and worrying too much. Then instead of being kind to myself and doing something positive, I just get upset and panic. I start to over think all the things I’ve been doing wrong, which of course does nothing but make me even more disappointed with myself.
I just couldn’t win.
It was when I was feeling sorry for myself and eating those damn stale girl scout cookies that I remembered food wont make this better, only acceptance will.
BECAUSE DISAPPOINTMENT IS NEVER APPETIZING.
You can’t drench it ranch dressing or add more cheese and magically make it better like you can with cold fries. Which really only works when you’re drunk or broke.
It never sounds good, goes down easy, sits well, or looks pretty. There is no amount of prepping or coaching that can really prepare you for large doses of it and there is no getting away from it. Sure, we all know this, but it’s easy to forget when things are going well.
It’s really easy to forget that life has ups AND downs.
AND It’s really really easy to start to get a little butt hurt & think “wait, I thought I was doing all the right things now? This isn’t how it was supposed to go!” when you step back and realize how hard you’ve worked to make so many positive changes, and yet somehow, negative crap is still leaking in.
Disappointment is just part of life, and it’s almost always a side effect of expectation. We like to think we have some say or control in how things work out, but in all honesty, it’s all just a crapshoot. I’ve expected so much out of myself and life lately. Sure I’ve accepted and “made peace with” with a lot of stuff too…but when I started to see how hard this month hit me, I realized that I hadn’t accepted as much as I thought. I realized I had accepted parts of myself and life when the conditions were good. But once those conditions changed….yikes…
I realized there is still a lot of growing and learning to be done.
I needed to be reminded that we don’t get to make bargains with God and no one is going to get out of here alive. We just have to play the hand we’re dealt the best we can and have faith that it all works out. I needed to be reminded that as long as I can remember to keep on forgiving instead of staying disappointed, then I’m winning enough. Because I’m not broken. And as much as I hate this saying, we’re all dying , so why worry about that while I’m living? I’m not going to let a few bad things ruin so many awesome ones.
I hope that if you’re ever feeling disappointed, you’ll remember that life is all about how we handle plan B. And if plan B doesn’t work, call me and we’ll come up with plans C-Z together.