The times they are a changin’

I’ve decided that lettingboeraeshine, is going to get a makeover.
Or…something….
August turned out to be an awesome month, filled with lots of “light bulb” moments, “wtf, really dude?!” moments, “I’m so happy I could cry” moments, and even one “how do you know so much about oops I crapped my pants?” moment (thanks random guy at HEB for turning my bad day into an amazing day)

 Anyways… I’ve had a few things pop up on here that have shown me that I’m not ready or truly interested in  “saving everybody” like I thought I was/wanted to Continue reading

Fill up on love, cause life isn’t like a Doritos commercials y’all- Happiness Project/Personal Commandments

When food is more than just food….
Not that my relationship with food is 100% golden now, but it is 1000 times better than it was when I was younger.
I really didn’t know how to eat till I was full or what real hunger was back then.
I just knew that I had to eat everything on my plate at dinner and that when there was a bag of chips in the kitchen, I’d eat them till they were gone.
Same with the Oreos, the Pop-Tarts, and the left over Chinese food, that kind of smelt funny but didn’t have anything growing off of it yet… so… it was still good…right?
Hell, I even ate raw noodles. Often…Yeahhhh.
I would eat anything I could get my hands on. Anything to keep me from feeling empty.

Food was my friend when I was needed someone to hang out with.
Food was my boyfriend when I needed someone to tell me I was pretty.
Food was my fairy godmother when I needed encouragement.
Food didn’t ask stupid questions. Food didn’t judge me or get mad. Food didn’t hit or yell.
Food didn’t stand me up or forget to call. Food didn’t pick on me or call me names.
Nope…Food was love.

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One of the things I’ve been most excited about the new house is setting up my new craft/dressing room!

There is still a bit of work to do and sadly my phone doesn’t take the best pictures since I’ve had to replace the screen…..twice now... But whatever, I’m excited and ready to share 🙂

Here was what it looked like before when it was a little girls room. Not the best picture, but it was hard for us to take pictures with the pushy relators who didn’t want us look at anything, but wanted us to look at EVERYTHING! Plus I kind of felt like a creeper…
BUT YES THAT IS A CHALKBOARD WALL! 20160202_124544

 This is what it looked like after we ripped out the 20 year old dog piss soaked carpet ..
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And then I went wild and against everyone’s advice and painted it BRIGHT butterscotch yellow
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Or well….my awesome husband painted it for me… I made mac and cheese 🙂

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We were so exhausted… Living like hobos on a blow up mattress, eating cheap food straight out of the pots, with no furniture… All of our easy projects turned into not so easy projects and our to-do list kept growing instead of shrinking…..Yeah… But we made the best of it ha. And Joe is being a drama queen in the picture, he loves his hobo dinners 🙂

But! This is what my room looks like so far with all my junk in it 🙂
20160728_184629Why thank you rug!
Look at those pretty floors my husband made!
And then I filled it with all my crap ha 2 3I still need to hang my pegboard behind my table and work on brining in a few more things, but its been nice to have a full sized table to work on.

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  Of course I painted the closet hot pink too ha.
The chalkboard wall is so much fun. I ended up getting these chalkboard pens   so I don’t have to deal with the messy chalk.
The regular chalk is hard to clean…
But I did find a trick online that helped get CLARK IS A BUTT off for good… Wipe it off with Coke, and then water so it isn’t sticky. Turned out looking brand new! 4

My wrecking ball 🙂

Like I said there is still a lot I need to work on but so far I’m pleased with it. I’m so excited to show off all of our hard work. There have been lots of ups and downs with the move, but at the end of the day I have the best husband ever, a cute pup, and a happy home with a gorgeous view <3

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Happiness Project- August set up- Slow Down & Chill OUT.

Am I the only one who feels like July was just one big stressful hangover? Probably…. July normally is one big stressful hangover for me. By the end of July, I am normally so done with the heat, “family time”, FOOD, and just…everything, that I could literally die.

I don’t deal with stress well. Period. This really bugs me, and I want to work on this… Which is why my “theme” for my Happiness Project in August is going to be
“Slow Down & Chill Out”
Corny…I know…but I don’t care. After the long, Joe gone, mother in law here, 95 degrees every day month of July, I need to cool the eff down.

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Skinny = Beautiful and Diets = Happiness. Old Diet Beliefs #3

I spent a long time believing that I could only be beautiful if I was skinny. Skinny was beautiful and beautiful girls were skinny. Period. I never had anyone telling me to embrace my curves or to love my body. I never even really had anyone to show me what loving themselves and/or their bodies really looked like.tumblr_o0gagdRLTT1rpu8e5o1_500

Growing up I was told how embarrassing and shameful it was to be a size 14, before the age of 14. Being told things like “I was this fat when I got married, and you’re not even out of high school yet” was not only a reminder of just how “awful” I was at that time, but also a way of telling me that I was destined to become even more awful. I was under the impression that no one would love me or support me if I stayed as fat, dirty, and flat out unlovable as I was.

Looking back now, I see that I also surrounded myself with a lot of women that were filled with more guilt and fear than acceptance and love.
Ladies that almost seemed to get off on giving you a big of candy for Valentine’s day, just to throw in a “now, don’t go eating it all in one sitting like I know you can”. Or my favorite, “I just know that you’d be happier if you lost some weight” Blah blah blah… Continue reading

Burning My Old Nasty Baggage.

flowerbunchBetween everything that’s been going on with the move and Joe being in and out of Texas for work, it has been a hectic but fun summer. This has resulted in my Happiness Project not getting much online spotlight, which has been kind of bitter sweet. I love writing and want to be a consistent blogger, but its been nice taking a break from social media so I could actually live and enjoy my “project” while all these big changes are going on. I needed to just roll with it for awhile and focus on being present with Joe, instead of trying to keep up with everything AND documenting it for the world to see…
But don’t worry, as soon as the WI-FI is hooked up next Thursday, I do plan on putting my writing boots back on and getting back to kicking all the blogging ass I had planned on kickin’. Yay for everyone 😉

But honestly, it has been an awesome summer so far. If I’m not painting something, then you can probably find me shamelessly binge watching Grey’s Anatomy (yeah y’all, I’ve finished all 12 seasons since my last post…I don’t know if I should be proud or embarrassed, so I’m going with “accomplished”) or of course, the new OITNB.
Sure there were those handful of moments where I was seriously considering hiring a hitman to take out a few folks… But from what I gathered online, it would have been cheaper to just drug and drag Joe to Vermont, where we could make jam and start our lives completely over, than it would have been to hire a hitman…Especially for the amount of people that were on my list **have you figured out that I have also become totally obsessed with Shonda Rhimes over the past few months as well? Well…I have. So be ready for lots of Shonda/all the Shonda things references… Cheers to you Ms. Rhimes! LEAN IN MY FRIENDS! LEAN IN! ** Continue reading

Dr. House was right.

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I don’t have lupus. For now at least, and that’s good enough for me. After almost three years of crazy symptoms and four different doctors, I finally have some solid answers.
I have Fibromyalgia and Raynaud’s.

Greeeeeeaaaaat.
I don’t have the time or the energy to get into all the symptoms and problems that I’ve been dealing with, but basically fibromyalgia is “chronic widespread pain” and Raynaud’s (which I’ve known about for awhile now) means my hands and feet randomly go numb and quit on me.
I don’t have the time or the energy to start thinking about the changes that I’m going to have to make because of this, but basically fibromyalgia is going to cause me more than just physical pain. Oh with Raynaud’s I get to rock my fingerless leopard print gloves all year round…real stylin’…

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Check me out…rocking the fingerless gloves, and sleeveless plaid shirt…
 We gotta hardass over here y’all.
So instead I’m going to talk about all the things that I’ve done this week that have made me happy…Yay happy.

1- We finished painting! I LOVE the colors, especially the kitchen. I’ll post pictures soon.
2- We started laying the floors. We didn’t make our deadline for having them done by today, so for now our new appliances are wrapped up and hanging out in the shed.
3- I started watching Grey’s Anatomy….ha.
4- I went shopping and finally got some summer clothes that I like.
5- I painted the top of my craft desk. I decided to go with the same “fiesta pink” that I used on the dresser to save $ and to keep things in my room little less crazy… I love the wall color I picked out, and I’m glad I went with the brighter yellow rather than the pale one…but I don’t want it to look like Rainbow Brite threw up all over my office/dressing room either. Yikes.
6- I found a bunch of my old mix CDs. This has been amazing. I forgot how much I love Bloodhound Gang and it was nice to reunite.
7- I ordered myself an amazing birthday cake. Cuz a planners gotta plan 😉
8- Joe and I have a fun date night planned for tomorrow, kind of a late anniversary gift since we didn’t get to really celebrate last Thursday… Last week we were covered in paint and sweat, and then one of his friends came over for a little while…yeah…not exactly romantic.
9- I haven’t chewed on my nails all week. Winning.
10- I found this picture and realized that two years ago today, we brought Burger home <3

FB_IMG_1463149432417Look at my little baby <3 And how little Joe’s beard was! This was taken on the 1st night we brought her home, and she’s been attached to Joe since.

So yeah…I have some big changes coming up, and got some crappy news yesterday, which I found out was also National Fibromyalgia Day…ha.. But I have a two really really adorable reasons to be happy and healthy everyday, and they’re enough to keep me in check. So today I’m going to go finish the layout for my “Butterscotch Yellow” room and go rock my Redneck/ “Butt Rock” outfit. I’m going to go enjoy my date night with the dude who loves me tomorrow night. I’m going to wear a pretty dress and drink wine and not worry about my belly or carbs.
I’m going to love and be loved, and do the rest of it the best I can….
And watch the remaining 8 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy while I’m at it 😉

 

Thanks for loving me. Happy Anniversary<3

I’m embarrassed to admit how often I forget to appreciate my husbands love.

I mean, I know he loves me, and he knows I love him. We do things for and with each other. We work well together, even when we’re stressed and cranky. It might not always be pretty, but we make it work. All in all, we have a happy and fun marriage that I’m very proud of.flowerbunch

But with me always being in “self improving” mode, it’s easy for me to forget that even though I may not be head over heels in love with everything about myself, I’m lucky enough to have a sweet dude who is. When I get stuck in my “gotta fix myself” moods, it’s hard for me to let myself be available for the ONE guy who doesn’t see my cracks in the 1st place.

Since we’ve bought our house, I’ve been reminded that a huge part of love and marriage is not just living with each other and growing old together. It’s about building a home and growing a better life together.

I let myself get so wrapped up and stuck in my head and my insecurities, that I forget that I have a partner who has never wanted or tried to fix me. All Joe has wanted to do is grow and improve with me. I remember when it all hit me, after we signed on the house and we started working on it together, Joe said “well…this is our new forever. It’s not perfect yet, but you are… and I’m very happy and ready to share it with you.”
If you know my Joe, you know that’s like, Nicolas Sparks quality romance for him… And I don’t think I have ever felt that loved and wanted, as I did that night on our new porch…eating cheap pork chops, covered in Godonlyknowswhat , and smelling of old carpet and dog piss. All Joe wants is me. Right now, as is.

Joe doesn’t look back on our relationship and see “size 6 Ashley” or “before paleo Ashley” he just sees Ashley. He doesn’t look at my arms now and think “Good Lord I wish she’d join a gym.” He just wants me to “see the Ashley he sees” which turns out, is really hard for me to do.

Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary. It breaks my heart that after 4 years I still don’t see the Ashley he sees. I still don’t fully believe in the Ashley he is constantly cheering on and bringing back into the game. I owe so much of my happiness to Joe, and I know that in order for me to love him with everything I have and to be the best wife I can be, I need to love myself more.
That’s why all of this love yourself and happiness junk mean so much to me. That’s why I’m not willing to give up on it. I’m doing this for me, so I can be more for him.

I know it sounds silly to most people, but being this insecure is not only a huge pain, it’s  exhausting. I don’t even know how I got this bad…. But I think Augusten Burroughs said it best when he was explaining unconditional love and how you just have to let it in…
“Somehow, through a flip of the coin, I ended up here. Feeling like somebody at the top of the heart-lung transplant recipient list. Damaged but invigorated and fucking lucky.”
I’m not perfect, but I’m perfect for Joe. And as long as I can keep doing my best to make the rest of our lives the best of our lives, than this was all worth it.

Happy 4th Anniversary Joe <3
Thanks for being my biggest fan and for loving me when I didn’t know how to love myself.  481116_3420360184509_2083937681_n

 

My 12 Personal Commandments- Happiness Project Set up Part 2

Here is a link to Gretchen’s site with tips to make your own Commandments.

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As I worked on my list I kept thinking gee, why wasn’t this the 1st thing I did when I started Letting Boe Rae Shine?!
Better late than never I guess….

I tried to keep mine as short and sweet as possible, and not exactly like Gretchen’s…though I did stick pretty close to her #1. I know some of these might not make sense or seem odd, but that’s what makes them personal 🙂 I will get around to explaining them more as I continue my “project.”
So far this is what I’ve got…

  1. Always be Pro-Ashley
  2. Fill up on love.
  3. Work you quirks.
  4. Be a cheerleader.
  5. Life is a special occasion.
  6. Work smarter not harder.
  7. Put the past away.
  8. I wear the red slippers and own the permission slip book.
  9. Play the game but don’t keep score.
  10. Tidy home, tidy mind.
  11. Shine brightly, whine quietly.
  12. I woke up like this.

Being able to refer back to these over the past few days has really helped me stay focused and calm. Having my own little set of “commandments” has helped give me that “I got this” feeling of control that I’ve been needing.

I was reminded of how “bad” I am about letting everything go to hell in a handbasket, when I was talking (ok I know she’s reading this so I’ll be honest…when I was totally taking over the conversation and whining all night…) to my friend Kaysi Saturday night… There was maybe too much Cabernet Sauvignon involved, so I don’t remember exactly how we (ah OK…I) got us to the subject, but we both agreed that
“once I feel like I’ve lost control over one thing, I just let everything else go too.”
Duh….
So needless to say, I’m pretty excited about my new “commandments” and am feeling confident about the changes that are coming.
Bring it on life!

If you’re not totally sick of hearing about me talking about this and want to start your own Happiness Project, subscribe and let me know!
perfecttostartAlso check out Gretchen Rubin’s site for more information.

Happiness Project Set Up Part 1- Walk-ins Welcome…

“Happy people plan actions, they don’t plan results.”
Dennis Waitley

 “As you try to explain why you are feeling negative emotion, you are adding power to it. Release the negative emotion, the negative feeling, and the negative attraction – by taking your attention from it.”
Abraham Hicks

I think I finally figured out what I’ve done…and this is embarrassing…
I’ve managed to twist “I have to be skinny to be happy” into “I have to get happy to get skinny.”  
I could explain myself more, but I’m tired of trying to defend myself, and explaining why this and that happened, or what went wrong.
I know what happened, and I know what I need to do to fix it.
Quit making food the problem. If I don’t want dieting to be my life anymore, than that means not letting not dieting become my life either. Which I totally have let happen..

So this is me, trying to figure out a better way to do things. Again.
Between the idea’s I’ve adopted and tweaked from Gretchen Rubin and all the wise words from Brené Brown that I’ve finally let soak in, I’m starting over. Again.

I’m going to dedicate at least the rest of this year to tackling a handful of different resolutions and forming new habits. Less explaining and defending myself, and more finding and loving myself. More working on restoring my old ways instead of completely removing them. Because wasn’t that supposed to be my plan all along? 
Kind of like Gretchen’s project, each month will have a different “theme” Of course  I already have them laid out, but to keep it fun for the few people that read this (thanks Mom) I’m going to spill them out as I go.

So….drum roll please……May’s Theme is
Building our Love Nest.
With the remodeling of the house and all the changes that are coming with the move, May seemed like the perfect month to start new home habits.  It’s also our anniversary month, and even though Joe and I have an awesome marriage, I know there are things I could work on.
Aside from the basic goals of getting fully moved in, GETTING ORGANIZED, and decorated (which lets not kid ourselves..is going to take much longer than 30 days…) the more specific goals I want to nail down are

* Keep work talk at the office and really separate Work Joe from Husband Joe.
* Wake up early and take my time.
Stretch, eat breakfast together at home instead of at work, fix my hair!
*Take more pictures of us together and of the move in process/remodel.
*Share the love and excitement of our new home with my friends and family- don’t get stuck in the “they’ll just shit on everything I want to do!” or the “WTH?! Don’t you see I’m too busy to play?!” attitudes that I normally get in when stressed or anxious.
In order to have a loving home, I have to let love in.

I also want to make it a point to take more pictures of the random little things that make me happy. This is something that I always want and try to do, but never gets done.
But! I tried! And here are the ones I’ve collected this week…

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walk dress1- A super cute cheeseburger cake… going to try to remember this one for when we have Burger’s late B-day/ House Warming Party. 2- Burger’s dazed and confused face when I found her taking a nap in the room we just painted…And I wonder why she’s such a spazz…
3- THE MOST AMAZING SIGN EVER!!!!!
4- Finally getting to wear a dress and my mom coming by for a surprise visit right after I took this selfie :]

I plan on posting about this “project” and everything else as close to daily as I can handle…If this gets old for everybody else who sees me posting about it on Facebook, tough.
This Happiness Fairy isn’t down with being quiet.

If you want to start a Happiness Project of your own, which you should! Visit Gretchen’s site   for more information. Also for those of you who live in my hometown, our library has a paperback copy and the CD of Happier at Home for you to check out. I’m an audio fan because I’ve learned its not safe to read while driving 😉 But go with what you feel.

The next step is to write out my “Personal Commandments”, which I’m just about done with and will hopefully share by the end of the weekend.
Until then, I’m going to go work on painting kitchen cabinets and trying not to hurl when we get into this old bathrooms plumbing….Yum.
Happy Friday!