Fill up on love, cause life isn’t like a Doritos commercials y’all- Happiness Project/Personal Commandments

When food is more than just food….
Not that my relationship with food is 100% golden now, but it is 1000 times better than it was when I was younger.
I really didn’t know how to eat till I was full or what real hunger was back then.
I just knew that I had to eat everything on my plate at dinner and that when there was a bag of chips in the kitchen, I’d eat them till they were gone.
Same with the Oreos, the Pop-Tarts, and the left over Chinese food, that kind of smelt funny but didn’t have anything growing off of it yet… so… it was still good…right?
Hell, I even ate raw noodles. Often…Yeahhhh.
I would eat anything I could get my hands on. Anything to keep me from feeling empty.

Food was my friend when I was needed someone to hang out with.
Food was my boyfriend when I needed someone to tell me I was pretty.
Food was my fairy godmother when I needed encouragement.
Food didn’t ask stupid questions. Food didn’t judge me or get mad. Food didn’t hit or yell.
Food didn’t stand me up or forget to call. Food didn’t pick on me or call me names.
Nope…Food was love.

Food was fun. Food was good company.
Food was something to look forward to.
Food always showed up with open arms and made me feel good.
Food didn’t care if I hadn’t washed my hair in two days, had a bad case of pizza face, and was wearing my XL granny panties. Food was always there and never late.
Food was fun. Food was good company.
Food was something to look forward to.
Food was love.

So trust me when I say, I know what it’s like to continue to hope and think that you’ll find love in the ice box, in the back of the kitchen cabinets, or in your 3rd very full plate at the all you can eat pizza place.

Because I know what it feels like to be scraping the last of the hummus out of the container,  feeling miserably numb, but still being so hungry for satisfaction and acceptance.
I know what it feels like to feel like you need to drink ½ a bottle of wine BEFORE you leave the house for that “not even that big of deal event” that you’re going to, just so you can breathe.

I know what it feels like to be craving and starving all the time, but not for food.
I’ve been craving and chasing all of the warm fuzzy feelings that come with love for as long as I can remember.
Comfort, happiness, support, acceptance…
Always hoping they’d pop out at me once I got the bottom of the Pringles can or ate a sleeve of Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies. The worst part is, I always kind of had this little fantasy of what it would be like when I finally did catch these warm fuzzy feelings too. Sadly, it did kind of look like a cheesy Doritos commercial…

You know… the perfect song would come on and my world would instantly get brighter. My ass would get tighter, my wallet would get fatter, and everything would be hunky dory. Then to top it all off, I’d wink and say to no one in particular, “all because once I popped and couldn’t stop”

But that’s not how it goes it is? I ate so many Pringles over one summer that by August my arm was too big to reach the bottom of the tube anymore.
True story…
But was that the “AH-HA!” moment when I realized that warm fuzzy feelings are not found in the bottom of chip cans? Was that the moment that I realized that I’m probably not eating for the right reasons when I don’t even taste any of the food I’m shoving in my mouth?
It was many, many, MANY “moments” later before I even began to see this. I still have to have “refresher course moments” to remember this.
All these years and new Pringle flavors later, still no warm fuzzy feelings at the bottom the can. 
I say all this because I’m the worst about still wanting to give food (and wine) way too much power and credit.
I don’t know how to wrap my crazy little mind around the idea of food just being food. Wine just being wine. Sure we should enjoy them… But to enjoy them without obsessing or worrying over them?  Ha!
I’m still not sure how to handle this whole “just one thing at a time” type thinking/living.
I want to be able to ask for a hug when I need to be held or for someone’s full attention when I REALLY need to be listened to, instead of reaching into the ice box and sneaking another piece of cheese.
I want to be able to trust that I’m loved and I’m not going to get hurt in any of my relationships, as easily as I trust that that 4th glass of wine is going to make me feel like a Warrior Goddess instead of just a Whiny Worrier.
Because isn’t love what I’ve been hungry for all along?
And now that I do have “the real meal deal” with Joe, I really don’t need to go looking for love in the bakery aisle.
Comfort, happiness, support, and acceptance are such amazing warm happy feelings,
and hells yes I want to feel them every minute of every day.
And I can, but not while I’m still numbing myself out.
I’m only going to feel them once I decide to fill up on love and not junk.
Mean comments or thoughts, junk. Cheap red wine that is only going to make me bloat up and say shit that I’m going to regret, junk. Shoes that hurt my feet but I spent a lot of money on so I wear them anyways, junk. 
So…when you’re ready and you have that AH-HA moment, you might really want to go ahead and throw those Doritos out. If for no other reason, Mother Nature will thank you 😉

 Because life is too short to fill up on anything less than the good stuff <3
*** “Fill up on love” is part of my personal commandments that I wrote up for my Happiness Project that I started in April.
Even though this was not my #1 “commandment”, it has turned out to be the most difficult. For more posts about my Happiness Project click here. For more information about Gretchen’s Original Happiness Project click here***


2 thoughts on “Fill up on love, cause life isn’t like a Doritos commercials y’all- Happiness Project/Personal Commandments

  1. Buster

    Baby, I’m so sorry for all your struggles. If I could change it with a snap I surely would. But I know you’ll find your way. I love you. Buster


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